I write this story, not because it’s an unusual story, but because it is such a common story.
This is not the story I planned to write. I wanted to write another pregnancy success story about my miracle, a rainbow baby after an ectopic pregnancy. But this is the story I was given.
In the end, it is a story of hope. I faced one of my worst fears and I survived. I came out on the other side grateful, and more in awe of God than ever.
Eight months after my ectopic pregnancy that ended with me in the ER, I found myself staring at two pink lines on a pregnancy test. It was a totally ordinary, chaotic Thursday morning, and I didn’t even have time to tell my husband I was pregnant until that evening.
Because of my history with ectopic pregnancies, I requested an ultrasound at six weeks to make sure it wasn’t ectopic. I will never forget the shock that day when the ultrasound tech told us she could identify two sacs on the screen.
My husband and I always knew twins were a possibility of course, especially since I was taking letrozole which increases chances of multiples. But I don’t think anything can prepare you for that announcement.
We hadn’t intended on telling anyone about the pregnancy so early, but the shock of twins was so jarring we felt we had to tell someone to make it real. We called both our parents that day to let them know, and the rest of our family knew shortly afterwards. There was a lot of well-wishes and some good-hearted teasing about how much work twins were going to be.
To be completely honest, I felt a lot of overwhelm and worry about the announcement of twins. Our son had a large bedroom that we thought he could share with one child, but I struggled to see how three could fit into it. We were fairly sure we could make our income stretch for one more child, but buying diapers, wipes, formula and food for two babies would be a challenge.
To add to the overwhelm, one day after we learned about the twins I learned I was losing my job. I had visions of us in the future on food stamps. I was stressed.
In the next few weeks we saw God moving in a big way as we were able to get on an affordable healthcare plan and my husband was able to increase his salary to meet our financial needs. I began to see that it could be possible for us to live on one income, leaving me completely available to care for newborn twins without worrying about going back to work. It was truly a dream come true for me.
However, the pregnancy was not going completely smoothly. Baby A seemed to growing normally with a strong heartbeat, but Baby B was smaller than it should be with a slow heartbeat.
Our doctor explained that what could happen was Baby B passed away, but the pregnancy may continue with Baby A and our twin pregnancy would become a singleton pregnancy. This seemed like the most likely scenario as Baby B’s heart rate remained persistently slow, so we emotionally prepared ourselves for this outcome.
Our doctor put me on a high dose of progesterone and had us go in for weekly ultrasounds. Baby A seemed to be doing well, and Baby B was hanging in there, although the heartbeat never was what it should be.
On September 9th I was 10 weeks along according to the calendar. When the ultrasound finished the exam without showing me anything I thought it seemed odd. But I was also expecting that Baby B may not be healthy so I wondered if maybe she had finally seen Baby B pass away. I asked her if I could see anything.
“I couldn’t find a heartbeat on Baby A or Baby B.” She told me. Baby A measured 8 weeks five days. Baby B had never grown past six weeks five days.
I was totally shocked and just cried in the ultrasound room for 15 minutes after she left.
Because Baby A had grown a bit since the last ultrasound, my doctor wanted another ultrasound to confirm its demise. That week was torture as we had to continue the progesterone shots just to make it to the next ultrasound, ultimately knowing it was going to be more bad news.
I had little hope we were going to see anything other than a confirmation of the baby’s death, as I woke up the next day with no pregnancy symptoms. The nausea, fatigue and shortness of breath was just gone. I had some spotting and cramping that week. I just knew in my gut that it was over, but we felt we had to confirm it.
Heading into an ultrasound appointment when you’re expecting bad news is akin to walking into a funeral service. Instead of getting to see my babies on the screen and see how much they’ve grown, I would be getting confirmation of what I already knew: my babies were no longer alive.
I remember feeling numb after that appointment. I didn’t really know what to feel. Maybe that was God’s mercy on me. I talked to my doctor that afternoon about our options. I wasn’t highly interested in scheduling a D&C, so I opted to wait to see if the miscarriage would progress naturally.
While I waited for the inevitable, I kept myself busy with my three-year-old and other household tasks. At night when I had some time to myself I was often overcome with emotion.
I felt guilty that I had worried and stressed so much about the pregnancy. I felt disappointment that my family would not be growing the way I thought it would. I felt sadness I would never get to meet my babies in person and watch them grow. I felt worried my son would be lonely without a sibling. I felt generally confused about where I thought God was leading me. I couldn’t make sense of it all.
I didn’t have to wait long for the physical process to unfold. It wasn’t quite as bad as some of the horror stories I had read about. It felt like a very painful period, and most of it was over within 6-8 hours, although bleeding continued for over a week afterwards.
Despite the sadness, the disappointment, and the confusion, I feel peace and hope. Losing a child in the womb has always been one of my greatest fears. The ectopic pregnancy was a child loss but didn’t feel as personal to me. Losing two babies who I had seen on ultrasound numerous times and watched grow over the course of several weeks was harder.
Yet, I am still standing. I am still hopeful. I am still full of gratitude for the beauty of life all around me. I faced one of my greatest fears and survived. I know I never would have been able to do that without God ministering to me, even on days when I’m too upset to pray.
One resource I would highly recommend that helped me to process it all was the book Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur. This book provides all the Biblical evidence I needed to firmly believe and know that my babies are safe in Heaven with Jesus. I highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced the loss of a child, or anyone who knows someone going through this painful experience.
Note: I used an affiliate link to the book. If you purchase a product through my link this means I earn a small commission at no extra cost to you! Thank you for supporting this blog.
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