Christmas, and holidays in general, can be a very difficult time for the infertile. There are friends and loved ones who might make comments or ask questions (when are you two going to have a baby?), there are arbitrary deadlines that may go unfulfilled (I’m sure I’ll be pregnant by Christmas), and family pictures that may be missing something (a pregnant bump or a baby).
During Christmas especially, there is a big focus on children, and as you watch nieces and nephews open presents, it may make you painfully aware of what you lack.
I know I experienced all this and more during our three years of grappling with unexplained infertility.
In 2021, I experienced a miscarriage right before Christmas which made that year feel especially dark.
Whether you’re going through infertility or loss right now, remember, that you are not alone. Christmas and the holidays can be a difficult time for a lot of people. Here are some tips on surviving, and even enjoying this potentially stressful time.
1. You and Your Husband are a Family
Your family is worth investing in even if you don’t have kids. You have a family culture, and you can create family traditions you enjoy.
Before you have kids is a great time for you and your spouse to discuss family culture, values, and traditions so you are both on the same page.
Your family is worth celebrating just as it is right now. So go get family photos if that is something you’ve always wanted (or don’t if it’s not your thing!). Discuss what holiday traditions bring you joy and start doing them now. You don’t need to wait for a child.
When making plans with extended family, it is good to be considerate of others who have children, but it is also okay to speak up for your immediate family’s needs as well.
2. Don’t be Afraid to Say “No”
Shopping, cooking, baking, decorating, attending parties, etc… without some thought and care, this time of year can go by in a blur of busyness. All of us deserve to slow down and enjoy the holidays.
Make a list of all your events and obligations this year. How many of those events are you looking forward to?
If some items on the list are causing you a lot of stress and pain consider just saying no this year.
I’m not saying you should cancel all family plans, but there may be some events that no one will care if you miss, and getting them out of your calendar will ease a lot of stress and anxiety.
Discuss with your spouse what activities will bring your family joy this season, spend more time doing those things, and take out those things that don’t matter.
3. Decide How to Respond to Nosy Relatives
There is almost always someone who inevitably will ask you when you’re planning on having kids, or when you’re going to have another kid.
It may help to have already thought ahead of time how to respond to such comments so you’re not caught off guard and tempted to get emotional.
You could go the polite route and say something like “We’re waiting for God’s timing.” You could go the brutal honesty route and say something like “We’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while, and don’t worry, we’ll let you know when it happens.”
3. Get an Ally (or Two)
If you haven’t already told at least one or two trusted friends or relatives about your infertility journey, consider doing so before the holidays.
If your infertility journey is not already public knowledge, this person will have your back during potentially stressful get-togethers. It also just feels good to get it all off your shoulders and let others in.
4. Try Something New
Don’t put off making Christmas memories until you have a child. Whether it’s ice skating, joining a holiday choir, or participating in a food or toy drive… there are so many options.
Consider having a brainstorming session with your spouse and each pick an activity you can do together.
5. Take the Focus Off Yourself
There are so many wonderful opportunities this time of year to give to others. Whenever I struggle with strong feelings of self-pity, I know spending time helping others is the anecdote.
Volunteering my time, money or efforts takes me outside of myself, and allows me the joy that comes with helping others. Whether it’s buying gifts for children who can’t afford them, spending time at a soup kitchen, or baking treats for your neighbors, find some way to spread some holiday cheer, and I’m sure it will have the effect of cheering you up too.
6. Pray and Meditate on the True Meaning of the Season
If you’ve taken the advice to clear your schedule a little bit, it should give you more time to spend in prayer, meditation, and scripture reading. Listening to some favorite Christmas music is another great way to focus on the significance of this holiday.
If you’re a Christian, you believe God sent his only son down to earth to be born as a human, so he could pave the way for us to have a relationship with God.
When you consider all that God has done for you already, it can restore your faith in his plans for you in the future as well.
I am praying for the peace of God, which passes all understanding, to surround you this holiday season.
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