My chemical pregnancy.
I was convinced I was going to get pregnant the month after my miscarriage, but I didn’t.
In the second month, I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant. But then I took a pregnancy test and got a very, very faint second line.
I thought it was a fluke. I didn’t tell anyone about it and just decided to test again the next day.
Again, I saw a very faint second line. I took another test almost immediately afterward and it was negative. “What is wrong with these pregnancy tests?” I wondered. “Maybe they’re defective.”
The next day I still hadn’t gotten my period so I took another pregnancy test. Yet again, I got a faint second line. This time dark enough that it looked real.
I finally told my husband and called my doctor. She sent me for a blood test.
My HCG level was at 38. I was excited but my doctor didn’t seem excited. She told me to go again for another blood draw in two days to make sure the numbers doubled.
Two days later, the number had almost doubled. She told me to go again in three days.
However, two days later I started bleeding. I went for the blood draw anyway and my HCG had plummeted down to 10. I was miscarrying again.
It was about a week before Christmas when I got my period. It made celebrating very difficult.
I didn’t want to be the person who had multiple miscarriages, so I didn’t tell many people and I didn’t talk about it.
Statistically speaking, there is less than a 5% chance that a woman will have two or more miscarriages in a row. I didn’t ever think that would be me.
All losses are painful. This loss was less painful in some ways because it happened so early and I had little time to get attached to the pregnancy. It was more painful in other ways as it brought to mind all my other losses and made me lose hope I could ever bring home another live baby.
I thought I would be pregnant again by the time of my twin’s due date, which was April 7. But I will not be.
I am sad. I am angry. I am jealous of women who don’t have to go through this. But I also know I cannot allow my happiness to depend on my fertility. For the sake of my son and myself, I choose to be thankful for what I have and find joy and meaning in the days I have on this earth.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12