Depending on where you are in your infertility journey, I know sometimes it can be hard to even receive advice from someone on the other side.
I wrote the bulk of this article before we got pregnant, while I was still in the midst of my infertility journey.
This is written from a Christian perspective, although I hope it will prove helpful for anyone no matter their religious background.
No matter where you are, I want you to know, I see you. I know the pain you are in, because I experienced it myself. I know how hopeless you may feel. I also know that it can get through this, and things won’t feel this bad forever.
The Emotional Impact of Infertility: Stages of Grief
The healing from infertility grief happened slowly over time. Honestly, even as someone on the other side, I still experience pangs of sadness or even jealousy as I see families much larger than mine welcome yet another baby to their fold.
I am grateful though, that before we achieved our miracle pregnancy, I had reached a place of acceptance.
This took time, a lot of time, and a lot of prayer. I pray it’s something you can experience as well.
I went through the darkest stages of my grief right before the one-year mark, lasting all the way through year two. This was the time that I was first processing the scary reality that we were infertile, and then going through the hellish experience of testing for fertility problems and trying conventional fertility treatments.
I remember feelings of denial, questioning how this could be happening to us when everything seemed normal. Trying to talk myself into believing that we just needed more time, etc.
I went through bargaining, where I tried to reason with God that we had learned our lesson and could become pregnant now. Or perhaps if we joined a new ministry, God would allow us to become pregnant. If I really cleaned up my diet and ate super healthy, then I would become pregnant.
For some time I was constantly trying to figure out why this was happening to me. Absolutely torturing myself searching the internet for answers. Maybe if I stopped wearing aluminum deodorant, or stopped using plastic, or drank raw milk… etc… there had to be something!!
I went through intense depression. Nights where I cried myself to sleep. Days where I didn’t want to get out of bed. Sometimes I felt I was falling into a dark pit that had no end. I could see no light at the end of the tunnel. Imagining a life without a child in it was terrifying. I cried a lot. Some months I cried every day.
I experienced anger. Days where it was just too much to bear and I would yell and throw things. I went through several months of being so angry with God. I did not read scripture. I barely prayed. I just couldn’t bear to think that a Father who was supposed to be kind and loving was withholding something from me I wanted so desperately.
It’s not pleasant. And it took a lot longer than I wanted it to. But there is not much to be done to speed through the stages of grief. You just have to let yourself experience them.
Eventually I stopped being as angry. I realized that God was FOR ME, not against me. He knew I felt pain. He knew I was sad. He cared about me, even if he did not give me exactly what it was I wanted at the time I wanted it.
Eventually I came to a place of acceptance. One of the tactics I learned was to immediately reject negative thoughts and feelings of bitterness that kept coming to me. If I let myself dwell in self-pity that always resulted in more misery. Instead when jealous thoughts and feelings came up I called them out, saying in my mind or even sometimes out loud “that’s not true. That’s a lie”.
Those thoughts were not coming from the Lord, and recognizing them as evil thoughts that would only lead to more misery was important to help me stop dwelling in them.
How to Deal with Infertility Grief: 12 Tips
I am not a mental health professional, but I wanted to share with you some practices I used to help me move through the stages of grief to finally feel better.
1. Pray.
As a Christian, I know my life is going nowhere without Christ. There were times where I was tired of praying and just couldn’t do it anymore. There were times where my prayers were wordless. There were times where my prayers were angry. There were times I took a break from prayer. That is all OK, but never sever the connection between you and God. Be honest with him. Pour out your heart, and don’t forget to be still and listen to what he might have to say to you.
2. Ask for prayer from others.
When you really feel like you can’t pray anymore, ask your husband, pastor or another trusted friend to pray for you. Sometimes when I couldn’t really pray anymore, I took comfort in the fact that several close friends I knew had let me know they were keeping me in prayer.
3. Write out your feelings.
It can be very difficult to verbalize something so emotional. For over a year I couldn’t talk about our infertility without bursting into tears. I would have gone crazy at that point if I hadn’t regularly journaled about what I was feeling and our experience with testing and treatments. This really helps.
4. Talk about it.
During our treatments, I spent several sessions with a Christian counselor. This was helpful in that it allowed me to talk about what we were going through, and cry about it, without worrying about feeling awkward or judged. The counselor is there to let you get out all of your emotions. She won’t try to stop you from crying or try to sugarcoat your experience. They are trained to help you process your emotions and face your problems in a healthier way.
5. Get a support system.
As you find the ability to speak more freely about your experience, you’ll start to find your fellow infertility warriors that can understand what you’re going through like no one else. Whether it’s people you know in person or people you meet online, surround yourself with supportive people.
6. Allow yourself to participate in hobbies and experiences you enjoy.
It is very easy to focus on the negative. Yet very few people have everything go wrong in their life at once. If you’re exhausted from grief, just turn to something that gives you even a temporary pleasure. This could be a familiar book or TV show, a hobby, or catching up with an old friend. Don’t feel bad about enjoying your life. Yes, you may not have the family you desire, but I feel confident there are still things in your life worth enjoying and celebrating.
7. Identify and Enforce Boundaries.
Even after reaching a place of peace and acceptance, there still might be things you don’t want to do for the sake of your mental health. It is not a requirement to go to a baby shower if you know it will cause you huge amounts of distress. Politely decline and send your friend a gift. It is not a requirement to volunteer in church nursery if it will just make you bitter. Find a place to volunteer that is a better fit and don’t feel guilty about it.
8. Unfollow.
Did you know there’s a feature on Facebook where you can unfollow someone in your feed without unfriending them? If seeing constant photo updates on a friend’s pregnancy or newborn makes you more sad than happy, you don’t have to keep looking at them. You’ll probably have a better relationship with your friend if you aren’t constantly feeling negative emotions due to their photos. Trust me, no one will notice if you don’t like a photo. You can still be friends in real life without following every social media update.
If you need to, just leave social media altogether for a week or a month. Call or text your friends to get together in real life. You enjoy the break so much you don’t want to go back.
9. Set achievable goals.
So much of your life can feel totally out of your control when you’re faced with health issues. Sometimes the information to take in is totally overwhelming. Yet, it often helps us feel more in control by focusing on a few things we can change about our life that are not too overwhelming.
For example, take a prenatal, walk 20 minutes a day, increase the amount of fruits and vegetables you eat each day, finally hang up that picture in the bathroom, etc.
Identify a few areas of your life you would like to improve and come up with some mini goals you can meet.
I want to emphasize that these goals should be achievable and enjoyable. Don’t try to change too much or punish yourself for failing.
10. Give yourself a break.
Infertility is a disease that can happen to anyone. You are not being punished for something you did wrong or did badly. Do not try to punish yourself or do good works to try to earn a baby. The only thing that will cure infertility is treatment for the underlying cause.
11. Read some encouraging Bible stories and books.
Look up the following passages of scripture:
Psalm 103:1-5
Psalm 37:4
Psalm 113:9
My favorite infertility book is:
12. Lean on God.
As a Christian, I knew I was supposed to trust God with my life and his plan for my life.
Yet I clung tightly to my idea of what my life was supposed to look like, and I what I thought I deserved for my good behavior. This sense of injustice and unfairness caused me a lot of misery as long as I continued to let the feelings of bitterness thrive. In order to get better, I had to admit that the feelings I was holding onto were damaging me and I had to let them go.
It was freeing for me to finally realize that I couldn’t earn a baby based on good behavior. I didn’t deserve a baby any more than anyone else. God was working my life out in his perfect timing, regardless of how differently it was going than what I expected.
Realizing this was not easy, but it was very freeing, and ultimately deepened my faith in God. I reminded myself that God was FOR me, not against me. If I allowed it, the experiences I was going through could bring me closer to God, not farther away.