Author’s Note: This post contains mention of pregnancy after loss. If that’s not something you want to read about right now, feel free to skip this post.
A rainbow baby is a term to describe a baby born after loss.
Just like a rainbow after a storm symbolizes hope, a rainbow baby is the peace that comes after a storm of grief.
I knew after mourning my four back-to-back losses that I had to grieve my babies and come to a place of healing without the expectation that a rainbow baby would happen.
It would not be fair for me to rely on my children as my sole source of happiness. That is too much pressure for anyone to handle, let alone an innocent child.
Grief is uncomfortable. Sometimes it can feel unbearable. But there is really no way to get to the other side but to go through it.
I grieved. And my burden was lessened a little bit every time I let someone in.
I let in God. I let him minister to my heart.
I let in my husband, so we could grieve together.
I let in friends who reached out with notes and even a warm meal.
I let in strangers who had gone through similar experiences.
After a time, I felt better.
I could think about my babies without automatically crying. I could appreciate knowing they were safe in the arms of God. I felt at peace. Not all of the time, but enough that I could start enjoying life again.
I don’t believe one should rely on a rainbow baby as a source of healing. For me, healing had to come on its own. There can be a rainbow after the storm, even without a baby.
An Unexpected Blessing
After we came home from a vacation in July, I realized my period was late.
It had been a weird cycle and I knew I had ovulated early. I really didn’t think I had gotten pregnant that cycle.
But something told me to test, and the pink line showed up almost immediately. By the time two minutes were up, it was a very dark line.
This was not like the ectopic pregnancy I had where my hcg levels were so low the test didn’t even register positive. Nor was it like the early miscarriage I had in December where the line was so faint I could barely see it.
I was sure I would be filled with anxiety by the time I got pregnant again if it ever happened, but right from the start, this felt different. I just knew this baby was meant to be part of our family here on Earth.
That’s not to say I didn’t have any doubts or anxieties during the pregnancy. My anxiety levels tend to increase when I’m pregnant and I get borderline obsessed with following all of the pregnancy “rules”, especially around food.
I refused to eat deli meat, deli salads, and salad bars, I was even cautious around leafy greens and fresh fruits and vegetables, obsessively washing them before I would eat them.
But every appointment and ultrasound we had was a comfort instead of an added source of stress. This baby was just perfectly healthy and growing beautifully.
God was answering the thousands of prayers I prayed for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy with no complications.
When he was born he was a continued answer to prayer. The birth was natural with no complications, not even a tear. He breastfed shortly after birth and was a breastfeeding champ from there on out. He slept well and grew like crazy!
My oldest son took to him immediately and they continue to form a special bond.
I don’t mean to make it sound like everything is perfect. There are adjustments when a new baby enters the family and we are no exceptions. But my husband and I continue to marvel every day about what a precious gift this baby is to us, and how much he completes our family.
Light at the End of the Tunnel
Being pregnant, having a baby, and being a parent is no easy job. For some couples, getting pregnant is the easy and fun part. For others, this is just another expensive, overwhelming, and challenging task.
No, it’s not fair. I’m sure we were all told as children at some point that life is not fair!
Nothing worth having is easy. We aren’t put here on earth to have an easy life. We were put on earth to do hard things. For me, I find it easier to cope with challenges when I embrace them rather than trying to avoid them.
I guess what I’m saying is, if you desire children, it is a good desire. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for wanting a family. It is a worthy and noble goal. Don’t question your desire for children just because it doesn’t come easy.
When I hold my children in my arms, I marvel at how far I have come and how I used to dream of this day. On hard days I remind myself what a blessing my family is and how much I desired to be where I am now.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
~Proverbs 13:12